So do you remember the Miami Twice location where Damian gets christened? Darren Lovett takes us to the place where the film crew gave us the classic sitcom. lets join him on his travels again as we look at another only fools and horses filming location in London near Camden

Lovetts Locations - Miami Twice Location

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Today Darren Lovett takes a look at a Mother Natures Son location in Brighton
The Hotel was used in the episode “Mother Natures Son”
The Location is The Grand Hotel, Brighton
Nearest Station is Brighton

Of course not only was the Grand Hotel visited by the Trotter family in 1992 but it was also visited by Margaret Thatcher 8 years earlier. Though it wasn’t under the most pleasant circumstances. I wonder if there is still a bottle of Peckham Spring in the room?

Take a look at this great episode Mother Natures Son where Del decides to bottle tap water and sell it as Peckham Spring Water. Back in the money both couples enjoy a romantic evening… until they see a news flash about a major water contamination, caused by Del’s barrels.

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Today Only Fools and Horses fan Nathan Lloyd, provides us with A Royal Flush episode review.

The end of the fifth series of Only Fools and Horses was ‘Who Wants to be a Millionaire?’ (1986). One of the more dramatic episodes, it almost ended the series with Del leaving Peckham for a chance of a lifetime partnership in Australia. If the next episode ‘A Royal Flush’ (1986) was indicative of the show’s quality after that episode, the proposed spin-off staring Rodney and Mickey Pearce, Hot Rod, sounds almost desirable. Thankfully, just as much as David Jason’s opting to remain in Only Fools and Horses was a welcome a relief, ‘A Royal Flush’ was just a misstep in the show’s then flawless history and the show would regain its wings a year later with ‘The Frog’s Legacy’ (1987); however this does not wash away the fact that ‘A Royal Flush’ was written, filmed, produced and aired. ‘A Royal Flush’ is the unloved child of Only Fools and Horses hated by its writer, John Sullivan and its two leads, David Jason and Nicholas Lyndhurst. It’s also the least repeated episode of the sitcom, shown only on GOLD around Christmas time. But why is it hated? The premise, while atypical for the series at the time, owes many opportunities for laughs. Rodney befriends Victoria, the daughter of the Duke of Maylebury, due to their mutual love of art and naturally enough Del smells money and encourages Rodney to propose to her before interfering.

First of all, the positives. Like every other episode, ‘A Royal Flush’ has some funny one-liners. My favourite has to be Rodney reading a book of peers and Del notices the title as ‘Burkes’ and asks him if it’s a teach yourself book. It also has some humorous scenes; the scene where Rodney fires a rifle at clay pigeons is sometimes classed as one of the funnier moments of the series as is his reaction when he sees the three-wheeled van appear suddenly at Maylebury’s estate. The appearance of June from ‘Happy Returns’ (1985) was also a welcome piece of continuity for the series, making the universe of Only Fools and Horses seem more complete. I also must digress that the moment when Rodney breaks his hand at the end of the episode is actually a moment I still laugh out loud at, but this may be due to me hating the episode so much I never watch it so I forget the little moments that are done right.

The character of Vicky is also well-written. It was an inspired choice by Sullivan to make the upper-class character bored of her status; it contrasts well with the Trotters and their apathy with being at the bottom of the social ladder, and this decision forces her to have good chemistry with Rodney. They’re both tired of their backgrounds and they share a symbiotic relationship: Rodney can learn about opera, game hunting and expand his knowledge of fine art, while Vicky can learn about women spitting, greasy spoons and market spiels. She is wonderfully portrayed by Sarah Duncan, and despite my opinions about the whole episode, I think Vicky is the woman most compatible with Rodney in the entire series, even beating Cassandra, and it is refreshing to see Rodney engaged in a romantic friendship as opposed to an intimate relationship as usual. Another thing that this episode excels at is adding another dimension to Rodney’s character. Previous to this episode, Rodney claimed that he was sensitive, yet this was seldom seen outside of him mourning the latest ex-girlfriend that wasn’t right for him. Here, however, we finally see a distraught Rodney, stripped of his pride in front of the highest company he would ever share. I like to think that the events of this episode are a by-product to the more mature Rodney that is seen from ‘The Frog’s Legacy’ onwards; he wouldn’t be able to trust Del as much as he had in the past in danger of him ending up in a similar situation. The final scene between Rodney and Vicky where Rodney suggests that he goes home and Vicky can’t finish her sentence that their time together was nice is one of the most heart-rendering scenes in the entire sitcom. The two had a perfectly good friendship that was razed to the ground by the tyrant that is Del in this episode.

I might let off in the second half

The character of Del is the main problem with ‘A Royal Flush’. Simply put, he isn’t Del, he’s a cruel pastiche of the character that makes one doubt that the character seen in this episode was written by Sullivan, but by some over-zealous fan-fiction writer who had exaggerated every negative trait about Del: his greed and zest for money while suppressing his main attribute that he genuinely loves his family. The Del of ‘A Royal Flush’ will be termed hereafter as ‘Evil Del’ because evil is what he is throughout for reason that will be explained throughout this essay. While the Del of every other episode isn’t totally intelligent, he has common sense and tact; here he is a total buffoon that embarrasses not only his family, but his social class. To Sullivan’s credit, the episode needs a villain, someone to snatch Rodney’s dream away, but one would not expect it to be one of the show’s principal characters. Granted, this episode isn’t ‘To Hull and Back’ (1985) in which Slater is the villain of an international smuggling ring; it’s a personal episode, more to do with emotion, so may be Evil Del’s villainy in this episode is necessary. However, this tough love approach had been seen before in the show and had been portrayed better. In series 2′s ‘No Greater Love’ (1982), Rodney falls in love with the wife of a convict. Concerned for Rodney, Del tries to sabotage his relationship and succeeds. Del isn’t the antagonist of that episode because the audience is aware that nothing good would have come of the relationship and that Del was interfering in the best possible motives of protecting his brother from a criminal. In ‘A Royal Flush’, however, his defence of his actions that Special Branch would be checking on Rodney’s background is a rather presumptuous and tenuous one. A more dignified approach would have been may be having the Duke be dismissive of Rodney so Del protects him, and, in doing so, burning bridges with the upper class and maintains Rodney’s dignity. Instead, this version of Del is at odds with the established one. While he protected his brother in ‘No Greater Love’, he stoops as low as causing him emotional harm when he totally destroys his brother’s pride at the dinner party and physical harm to him when he twists his broken hand; while he was fighting off Rodney’s rival in ‘No Greater Love’, he was selling Rodney’s exile from Vicky to Maylebury to make money which leaves one to ponder whether this was Evil Del’s intention all along. In doing this, he has destroyed what could have been a fruitful friendship between two like-minded people just so he could earn a few thousand pounds. If this is indeed the case, Evil Del is actually more intelligent than the usual one and definitely more ruthless; he has lied, feigned stupidity and offended his way through several innocent people in order to achieve his own ends. While it is was written to be indicative of Del’s occasional mindless nature, his shaking Rodney’s broken hand could be seen as a victorious pose of Evil Del that well and truly supplants his defeat of Rodney. Del has had a fun evening in a country estate that has rendered him drunk; while Rodney may have been reeling from emotional scars caused by embarrassment. All of Del’s actions leave a bad taste in the mouth because they are so out of character. Derek Trotter is not Edmund Blackadder or Albert Steptoe, he has good qualities that are all but absent in this episode.

Speaking of Albert Steptoe, ‘A Royal Flush’ bears similarities to at least two episodes of Steptoe and Son. The opera scene is reminiscent of ‘Sunday for Seven Days’ (1964) where the Steptoes go to the cinema but Albert ruins the experience by making a nuisance of himself. The whole dinner party scene is similar to a scene in ‘Loathe Story’ (1972) where Harold relays to a psychiatrist how Albert ruined his engagement to an upper-middle class woman. The point is, while Only Fools and Horses can be seen as an ’80s equivalent to the ’60s Steptoe and Son, Rodney is not as pretentious as Harold nor is Derek as loathsome as Albert; yet, in this episode, they are just like they were written by Galton and Simpson. In the past, Del would call Rodney a ‘plonker’ and no one would think anything of it because it was obviously affectionate, but his actions in this episode, like Albert’s, seem to also stem from entrapping Rodney and appear vindictive and hateful. Perhaps he is reacting to Rodney’s attempt to tie him down to England in the previous episode, ‘Who Wants to be a Millionaire?’? It is also disconcerting to see Evil Del threatening violence to pretty much everyone who dissents against him; whether it be a potential customer in the market that doesn’t buy into his spiel or a furious opera goer who, quite rightly, castigates Evil Del for his obnoxious behaviour during the performance; Evil Del seems angrier than normal Del who seems to revel in the trouble that he is causing.

Unfortunately, loose characterisation and awkward scenes aren’t the only flaws this episode possesses: it also suffers from being rushed. The tight schedule ended up with the crew finishing the editing on the day of its broadcast on Christmas 1986 so the episode lacks a studio audience. Unlike ‘To Hull and Back’ which didn’t have an audience because it is more like a caper film than an episode of a sitcom so it’s forgivable and perhaps preferred; ‘A Royal Flush’ however needs the reaction to dilute the discomfort of the opera and dinner party scenes. It is not to ‘tell us when to laugh’ as the practice is commonly misconstrued, but to maintain the comedic atmosphere and in a show like Only Fools and Horses, this is essential in setting and preserving the mood. On top of that, sound effects are missing. This is mostly prominent in the final scene (ironically my favourite scene in the episode) where the corridor outside the flat lacks the ambient noises one would hear from London. While a minor flaw, it is a perfect metaphor for the episode: it is a cold and nasty episode to watch, just like the unnatural silence that had hit the council estate the night where the Trotter brothers are arguing about their character derailment.

One of the strengths of Only Fools and Horses is that it showcases identifiable characters and, for the most part, uncanny situations. It isn’t a ‘gentle’ sitcom like As Time Goes By or Butterflies neither is it a dark comedy like One Foot in the Grave and Bottom; it fits firmly in the middle. While Only Fools and Horses sometimes explored the darker side of comedy, such as Del’s reaction to Cassandra’s miscarriage and the misplacement of Grandad’s hat at his funeral; it is generally an optimistic comedy; indeed, most of its catchphrases are optimistic: ‘This time next year, we’ll be millionaires!’ and ‘He who dares wins!’, so this episode, which would have been more at home in the dark universes of One Foot in the Grave and Bottom sticks out like a sore thumb from the rest of the episodes. Even the more reviled trilogy of the early 2000s was somewhat easier to watch and kept the characters consistent.

More interesting is the story behind the episode. While he did write the episode, John Sullivan was away in Paris shooting the third series of Just Good Friends when ‘A Royal Flush’ was filmed, so he was not on the set and could not write re-drafts for the episode. As stated, he hated the episode and it languished in obscurity for many years, no more prolific than the ‘unofficial’ episodes such as ‘Licensed to Drill’ and ‘Christmas Trees’ until finally released on VHS in 2000. In spite of the release and the fans lapping up the chance of seeing an Only Fools and Horses episode they possibly haven’t seen before, Sullivan still remained dissatisfied with the episode and when the story was finally released on DVD in 2004, it was heavily edited under Sullivan’s guidance. A whopping 18 minutes were cut from the original, such as cutting out the majority of the opera and dinner party scenes in order to minimise Evil Del’s faults. The biggest change however was the added laughter track, which, for reasons already specified, was a welcome addition. That being said, the original version was released on DVD along with ‘The Frog’s Legacy’ in 2005 as part 13 (the irony) of The Only Fools and Horses DVD Collection. To this day the DVD has appeared on eBay for higher prices than the official DVD and is sought after by hardcore Only Fools and Horses enthusiasts to see what the big fuss is.

Conclusion  : A Royal Flush episode review

In conclusion, ‘A Royal Flush’, while not as bad as ‘If They Could See Us Now’ (2001), which was the first part of the show’s misguided revival, is the absolute nadir of the show’s original run; hated by its creators and the fans alike, it is a wonder that fan outcry is large for the BBC to release the unedited version of the show on retail DVD. ‘A Royal Flush’ is such a pessimistic episode that goes so far from the grain that it is uncomfortable, unpleasant and cringe-worthy to watch and it is not at all recommended for the casual Only Fools and Horses fan. If one does want to see ‘A Royal Flush’, I recommend the 2004 edit over the original because it is more like an episode of Only Fools and Horses; tracking down a copy of the original is time consuming, rare and, ultimately, disappointing. I like to pretend it doesn’t exist. To me, ‘The Frog’s Legacy’ follows ‘Who Wants to be a Millionaire?’ and ‘A Royal Flush’ was just a nightmare of Sullivan’s that showed him what would happen if the show was written by someone else.

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Join Mask-arade for the Nelson Mandela House opening.

With John Challis aka Boycie for the official opening of Nelson Mandela House at Southfield Road, Southam CV47 0FB

2pm Saturday September 28th 2013

You know it makes sense!

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Only Fools and Horses fan, Nathan Lloyd, provides us with his Friday the 14th episode review. please comment below as to whether you agree with his synopsis.

In terms of overall consistency, I consider Only Fools and Horses’ third series to be the single greatest series of the programme rivalled only by its sixth series, however the two series have so many differences between them that it is almost impossible to compare. While series six lounged comfortably within one of the show’s many peaks, series three had something to prove; it pretty much had to consolidate the programme to the masses after the slow start of the first series and the sudden interest in the second series. Fortunately, writer John Sullivan was more than able to tackle the issue in providing the fans with the best episodes, some of the most quotable of the show’s jokes and one-liners as well as cementing the Trotters’ hold of Peckham. The one abnormality of this collection of episodes was the third episode, ‘Friday the 14th’ (1983), which shows Sullivan’s first foray into experimenting with his formula. For the majority of the five, half-hour length series, Sullivan stuck to the show’s main premise, that of three people trying to become millionaires, diligently eventually becoming more liberal and expansive with it as the show evolved. ‘Friday the 14th’ is one of the first episodes that shies away from the established rules; the only real goal the Trotters have in this episode is to survive. Indeed, the show’s concept of Del getting rich by fishing salmon from a stream by Boycie’s weekend cottage in Cornwall is a MacGuffin; Sullivan wanted to portray the Trotters as fish out of water and what better way to do that than isolate them in a cabin in the middle of the woods with a crazed axe murderer trying to kill them? ‘Friday the 14th’ moved from the established template, threw the Trotters out of the comfort of Nelson Mandela House, and straight into a dangerous unknown.

Friday the 14th episode review

In spite of it being a sitcom episode, there are a lot of cinematic flourishes courtesy of Sullivan’s script and Ray Butt’s direction that borrow from the conventions of film noir, thriller and horror films. Sullivan takes these conventions that are deliberately clichéd, such as a thunderstorm, power outage, heavy breathing, a mysterious hand through the undergrowth and shadowy figures to create a truly suspenseful experience; I admit that during my first viewing of this episode around ten years ago, I was watching through the cracks of my fingers, my insular mind pondering whether or not the writer was going to kill off the Trotters. These ambitious ideas were aided by the location filming in Iwerne Minster, Dorset. In one of my favourite images from the entire series, the sight of an abandoned cottage amidst a heavy thunderstorm can make one forget that they are watching a comedy-  until the three-wheeled van hobbles its way onto the screen like the anachronistic sight of a car in the distance of a Lord of the Rings shot and the unlikeliest of heroes emerge from it. The cottage set is also well designed making it especially claustrophobic for the climax as well as dangerous with the incessant claps of thunder and flashes of lightning in the background.

Of course, it wouldn’t be an Only Fools and Horses episode without comedy and ‘Friday the 14th’ has this in abundance. Ironically, one of my favourite scenes is the one where the van is stopped by a policeman who warns them of an escaped axe murderer. Despite it being set-up, the facial expressions of the Trotter trio are priceless; Rodney and Grandad display pure terror while Del is simply dumbfounded, inconvenienced that his money-making weekend has hit a snag. The scene where the Trotters first arrive at the cottage is also Only Fools at its best with Sullivan’s one-liners delivered perfectly by David Jason, Nicholas Lyndhurst and Lennard Pearce, cementing this threesome as my favourite in the show’s history. The three have a perfect sync with each other and never miss a beat; indeed, my favourite lines in the episode are made even funnier because they flow impeccably between the three actors:

Rodney: Oh, he’s most probably half-way to London by now.

Del: Yeah, of course he is. He’s most probably looking for an empty place up there.

Grandad: Hope he don’t find our flat.

Del: Will you shut up?!

The Monopoly scene is a welcome break from the tension. It’s novel to see the Trotters talk about something other than money or girls while the thunderstorm still exists in the distance reminding us that although they’re playing a ‘safe’ board game, they are anything but safe. May be as a foreshadow to the climax, Del still adopts his business prattle when conning Rodney out of Monopoly money for putting him in the ‘penthouse suite’ of his fictional hotel, showing that he is always thinking about money, even in a friendly game. This scene also unearths some facets of Rodney’s character: he’s a sore loser who sulks like a petulant teenager when things don’t go his way. Perhaps Rodney is still reeling from failing after the previous episode ‘Healthy Competition’ (1983) and still feels that he has to prove himself to Del and Grandad? Regardless of its purpose, this notion reminds one of Harold Steptoe; Rodney has to lose to Del like Harold has to to his father in order to maintain the sense of paralysis and stagnation that all good sitcoms try to instil on their characters: the young has to lose to the old and have to gain experience, but ultimately never muster enough to leave. It shows that Sullivan was not only inspired by films in ‘Friday the 14th’, but also other sitcoms like Steptoe and Son. The scene culminates in probably the most famous moment in the episode: Rodney seeing ‘the face in the window’. John Sullivan fans would recognise the man as Bill Ward; not Black Sabbath’s drummer; but an actor who had appeared as a semi-regular as Reg the barman from Citizen Smith. His somewhat haggard looks are rather startling the first time, especially with the lightning flash emphasising his stern look as he stares at Rodney aimlessly, but the moment returns to comedy after Rodney pulls the curtain back sheepishly and is frozen by fear and disbelief. The moment is a perfect complement to the Monopoly scene because that is so light-hearted while the thought of a stranger nearby is so terrifying. Sullivan allows the drama in this episode to breathe because of the frequency of the comedy and the fact that he can change gears easily and combine them.

The axe murderer (or the ‘Madman’ as described in the cast list) is an interesting character because he is one of an exclusive club who manage to draw out fear from Del. Throughout the series, Del has been frightened of very little people; Tommy McKay (initially) in ‘No Greater Love’ (1982), The Driscoll Brothers in ‘Little Problems (1989), Eugene McCarthy from ‘Stage Fright’ (1991) and, arguably, Roy Slater because of his tenacious and illegal efforts to imprison him in ‘May the Force Be With You’ (1983) and ‘To Hull and Back’ (1985) are the only few that spring to mind, however, as violent or manipulative as they may seem, they are only gangsters, thugs or bent coppers; the axe murderer, on the other hand, is worse than all of those because he is of course a killer, but he is also insane and unpredictable. He’s raving mad of course, but he does speak some logic about how winning can leave one ‘open to attack’. The only competition for the murderer would be the Occhetti family from ‘Miami Twice’ (1991) yet Del never confronts the Don directly nor does he engage with the Mafia after he knows the truth about them; so it makes Del’s encounter with the axe murderer in ‘Friday the 14th’ one of the more intense moments in the entire series. It is to Sullivan’s credit that he can twist such a frightening situation into a classic comedy scene. Sullivan mainly kept the drama and comedy separate save for a few select moments, yet here he writes the scene as nail-biting but also very tongue in cheek. Lines like ‘It’s all right, it’s Barratts!’ diffuse the tension and make what could have been a hard to watch scene very watchable. Also amusing is Del’s attitude to the whole situation. Del has shown to be streetwise, so this episode highlights how much of a survivor he is; his natural charisma persuades the murderer to give him his axe and he effectively stalls the murderer until the authorities arrive. The crafty facets of Del’s personality come to the fore when he progresses from trying to save his life to his taking liberties with the murderer such as wagering on an invisible snooker game. This shows a kind of refuge for Del; he’s in deadly danger yet he thinks about money and earning the upper hand. As Sullivan himself said: ‘…even in his hour of need in a terrifying situation, Del will still try to find a way of earning a fiver! He’s in another part of the world, but Del Boy’s still trying out his Peckham tricks.’

In closing, ‘Friday the 14th’ is my favourite episode of Only Fools and Horses and one of my favourites of any sitcom because John Sullivan did something different and successfully married comedy and various forms of drama to create a perfect example of comedy-drama that films such as Scary Movie should watch and study. The fact that this episode runs at thirty minutes and is nigh on perfect is a testament to Sullivan’s accomplished writing talents and his knowledge and faith in his characters. Taken out of Peckham for half an hour, they are allowed to grow a little more and indulge in behaviour they wouldn’t normally have to. The joy of ‘Friday the 14th’ is other than it being hilariously funny, the crew create an atmosphere that isn’t found in any other episode of Only Fools and Horses making it totally unique. While ‘Miami Twice’ had a very similar premise, basically that the Trotters were under the mercy of killers, it has an entirely different mood, that of consciously being a film; while ‘Friday the 14th’ has the quiet dignity of being a drama akin to an episode of Tales of the Unexpected except with far more laughs and this, to me at least, makes it more enjoyable to watch. It is just the Only Fools episode to watch at Halloween or any Friday the 14th that happens to be on the calender. It is just one of series three’s many gems and a part of John Sullivan’s attempts to experiment with mood for that particular year; ‘Homesick’ was a tearjerker, ‘Healthy Competition’ had a strong Steptoe and Son vibe, ‘Yesterday Never Comes’ was a caper, ‘May the Force Be With You’ was a parody of cop shows, ‘Wanted’ and ‘Who’s a Pretty Boy?’ were simply laugh out loud funny and ‘Thicker Than Water’ started to retcon and shape the series’ backstory. It was them and episodes like ‘Friday the 14th’ that demonstrated that there was more to this series than meets the eye and the belief that the series would have a bright future was more than a suggestion.

-John Sullivan quotes from issues 6 and 18 of The Only Fools and Horses DVD Collection.

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Release of, in my mind the best series, from the Green Green Grass team – series number 4

We have been waiting a long time for Green green grass series 4 and I thought we were about to have news!

Chris Mcneill tells us the DVD release was originally set for september 16th – Though Amazon reckons the title will be released on September 30, 2013.

He continues “but the BBC have now postponed this until further notice meaning no Christmas sales etc and in my
opinion disrespectful to the wonderful cast and memory of the late legend John Sullivan”.

“Can we perhaps have something on the site regarding this giving fellow members and visitors a chance to express there feelings to the BBC”

So feel free to add your comments below for OFAH.net and GGG fan Chris Mcneill

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New York – Paris – Chadwell Heath, doesnt really sound a lot better than New York – Paris – Peckham. But that isnt stopping a shop owner making a few quick ponies on the high street as was pointed out by Only Fools fan Robert Lamb.

He tells us, “It’s Robert Lamb who contacted you back in December with the essay I wrote at uni about OFAH. Just to let you know I found this shop in Chadwell Heath, East London the other day whose name and front is a blatant reference to Only Fools And Horses which might be of interest to some fans.

Check it out on Streetview:

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Bobby Bragg – An Evening With Bobby Bragg is a must for all Only Fools and Horses fans. You’ll know Bobby from being the warm up man for the audience to many of John Sullivans classic sitcoms, including Only Fools and Green Green Grass. Of course more recently he took over the Nags Head in Rock and Chips and played landlord Don.

UPDATE - An Audience with Bobby Bragg : Fri, 27 September 2013 19:45 – Still taking bookings - Wokingham-theatre.org.uk/

The opening night is 13^th April at The New Inn Middleton, Cheney, Oxfordshire.

There are a few tickets left, phone so get yours on 01295 710399

Bobby Bragg has years of stories and gags from his amazing career.  He’s worked with the greats. Take a look at the clips below to see the incredible diversity Bobby has experienced in his comedy career.

“AN AUDIENCE WITH BOBBY BRAGG”

THIS YEAR BOBBY CELEBRATES FORTY YEARS IN SHOWBUSINESS; IN THIS SHOW HE LOOKS BACK OVER A LIFE IN COMEDY, FROM HUMBLE BEGININGS LIVING IN A FLAT ABOVE A CYCLE SHOP IN KENT, TO RUBBING SHOULDERS WITH ROYALTY, PRIME MINISTERS AND PRESIDENTS.

IN AN EXTRAORDINARY CAREER THAT BEGAN IN THE CLUBS AND PROGRESSED TO SUMMER SEASONS, PANTOMIMES, THE LONDON PALLADIUM AND A ROYAL VARIETY PERFORMANCE, TO BECOMING THE MOST PROLIFIC “WARM UP MAN” IN TELEVISION HISTORY, WORKING ON OVER SIX THOUSAND SHOWS.

SIT BACK AND ENJOY HITHERTO UNTOLD BEHIND THE SCENES STORIES ABOUT SOME OF TELEVISION’S BIGGEST STARS, INCUDING WHEN “FRIENDS” CAME TO LONDON, BOB MONKHOUSE & THE STREAKER, “ONLY FOOLS AND HORSES” AND MANY MORE.

“He’s worked with the greats and me too, a fascinating peek into the tv world that only an insider like Bobby sees”. Harry Hill.

THIS SHOW IS NOT SUITABLE FOR UNREGISTERED BOILER ENGINEERS

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Ever wondered what the trotters coat of arms would look like ?
Well in true Del boy style a new one is now available to Only Fools fans from the shop.
Based on iconic items from the Only Fools series the Trotters now have their very own coat of arms…

We all know what a “Culture Vulture” Del is, here is the living proof!
http://www.onlyfools.net/shop/NEW-ITEMS.htm

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I’m told that John Challis has just printed a new book called Reggie, and thereby Green Green Grass lives on.

Shown here holding the first copy off the production line.

It’s his first ever novel, a comedy based on the extended stories from Green Green Grass. All the scenarios he suggested to Sullivan that might have been included in Series 5. Signed copies available from www.wigmorebooks.com for £10.50 incl.p&p and will be on sale at the convention.

Here are some excerpts from Johns new novel along with the back cover.

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Matthew Duncan recently sent this script, he tells us its the first of his stories for the OFAH Bate Project. It’s called Mother Cassandra, and as you guessed, it’s based around Rodney, Cassandra and baby Joanie, with a little sub-plot featuring Del, Raquel and an old school-friend of Raquel’s.

So here it is, Only Fools: The Bate Project
Mother Cassandra

Scene 1 – Rodney and Cassandra’s Flat – Kitchen, Morning

Rodney is feeding Joan, who is sitting at the table.

Rodney – There you go Joanie, I used to love corn flakes as a baby.

Rodney grabs a box of corn flacks and pours them into a bowl. A suited Cassandra enters.

RODNEY – What time will you be home?

CASSANDRA – Mr Gilmore has asked me to attend a meeting at the Parr Hotel with Mr Lutterbee, you don’t mind do you?

RODNEY – No, it’s not like you’re having an affair, Mr Gilmore is 89.

CASSANDRA – Mr Gilmore Jr.

RODNEY – 79?

CASSANDRA – Don’t worry roddy, I’m not going to steal our bank card and head off into the sunset with him. Mind you, he has just bought a red jag. I’d be tempted I won’t lie to you.

RODNEY – You couldn’t steal our card anyway, Del’s got it.

Cassandra panics.

CASSANDRA – Del?

RODNEY – Yeah, just to get Raquel a birthday present.

CASSANDRA – Raquel’s birthday is in December.

RODNEY – Oh god, he’ll be ordering 500 packets of crisp.

Rodney is about to make a quick exit.

CASSANDRA – Hold on, aren’t you forgetting someone?

Rodney looks over to Joan, who’s face is filled with corn flakes.

RODNEY – I’ve got to go and stop the Earl of Peckham, and then I’m in work.

CASSANDRA – She needs dropping off at the nursery.

RODNEY – Can’t you do it?

CASSANDRA – Roddy!

RODNEY – I do it every day, the other mums think I’m a single parent; they keep giving me their phone numbers.

CASSANDRA – I’m sure you can fend off some female attention.

RODNEY – Alright then, but tomorrow, you break the habit of a lifetime and take your daughter to nursery.

CASSANDRA – Are you calling me a bad mother?

RODNEY – Well you did put her in a freezing cold bath.

CASSANDRA – There was a salesman at the door. He kept talking about wood floors.

RODNEY – Of course you’re not a bad mother.

CASSANDRA – Your eye’s twitching, it does that when you lie.

Scene 2 – Nags Head, Bar, Afternoon

Rodney enters, and spots Del at the fruit machine in the corner of the bar.

SID – Alright Rodney!

Rodney ignores Sid and walks across to Del.

DEL – Alright bruv? Your lively on your feet aren’t ya, that’s what sitting in a chair all day does too you.

RODNEY – Where’s my credit card?

DEL – Here!

Del gives Rodney his credit card and they approach the bar.

DEL – You can get the drinks in now that you’re flush.

RODNEY – Raquel’s birthday is in December.

DEL – So?

RODNEY – It’s July.

DEL – Best to get in early.

RODNEY – In case every shop this side of London goes into meltdown.

DEL – Wouldn’t surprise me, take that rioting that we had to go through three years ago, a lot of people were left robbed and distraught.

RODNEY – Yeah I know, you were selling baseball bats and petrol to the rioters!

DEL – Yeah, well, they came to me asking for weapons, and they had such sweet faces, it’s hard to say no sometimes, especially to 9-year-olds.

SID – I know what ya mean, my wife’s sister used to fancy me, and whenever we went up to her cottage in the Summer holidays, she’d try to seduce me.

DEL – Oh yeah?

RODNEY – I think I better go and… Not be here.

SID – Well I say try, she succeeded, on many times as I recall, in many different areas of the back garden.

Del – Steady on Sid, Rodney’s coco pops will be splattered across the bar in a minute.

RODNEY – It’s true what they say, the old ones are the best.

DEL – Aye, granddad and uncle Albert went around the block a few times. God bless them, the dozy, useless old gits.

SID – I met a bird called Ada once; I fell for her like that. But she dumped me.

DEL – Oh dear. Not quite sex bomb then are you Sid? Oh well, least you had a try, what did you try next, Tap Dancing?

RODNEY – What happened?

SID – She was dating two brothers at the time, It didn’t worry me though, playing the field and all that.

DEL – You never met her two other boyfriends, these brothers.

SID – Nah, whenever she was with me, she told them she was with her grandmother.

RODNEY – Naughty girl! Knocking off three blokes at the same time. Did she have any kids? Del might have gone out with them… or her.

DEL – Oi, Oi, Oi, watch it you little sod, no women has ever cheated on Del-Boy.

SID – She convinced them an ‘all, even though her grandmother had died six months earlier, and they’d both attended the funeral.

Sid begins laughing, whilst Rodney and Del stare in amazement, knowing that the two brothers are in fact Granddad and Albert.

Rodney – Right well… I’ll be off for another enduring day in the world of technology.

Rodney exits.

Scene 3 – Corner Shop, Afternoon

Raquel and her friend Margo are walking through the shop, putting items into a basket.

RAQUEL – And after doing all the washing, and the ironing, Del has the nerve to ask me to get my sewing machine out to make a bridesmaid dress for his cousin Mavis.

MARGO – I know, I know, men take women for granted, its 2011, not 1952. You ever thought about appearing on Jeremy Kyle, under the title “My Man Doesn’t Get Me”

RAQUEL – With that title, I’d be quicker to climb Mount Everest.

Cassandra enters

RAQUEL – Cassandra?

CASSANDRA – Raquel?

RAQUEL – Well this is a surprise, I’ve not seen you for two months.

CASSANDRA – After that lock in at the Nags Head.

RAQUEL – Oh yeah, you turning up with two police officers.

CASSANDRA – You have to be cruel to be kind, my Roddy has a problem with peer pressure, especially with Del.

RAQUEL – Well, Rodney’s not a puppet.

MARGO – We were just saying Cassandra, we’re thinking of going on strike as a household skivvy.

RAQUEL – You’ll have to find a household to skivvy for first. Anyway, Cassandra doesn’t need to worry about that.

CASSANDRA – What do you mean by that?

RAQUEL – Well you’re not a natural housewife are you, I mean, your more of a Miss Davenport than a Nora Batty.

CASSANDRA – I’m a mother, and a wife.

RAQUEL – A man like Rodney was born as a mother-hen.

CASSANDRA – Are you calling my husband a homosexual? He likes a bit of ABBA granted.

RAQUEL – No, No, It’s just that Rodney’s nice, whereas Del gives me his clothes to iron at the beginning of the day and takes off his pants at the end. Most men are like that, aren’t they Margo?

MARGO – All of my six husbands were. Or was it 7? I tend to forget.

CASSANDRA – Too much information thank you.

Cassandra walks to the counter.

RAQUEL – (posh voice) – Homosexual is it? She’s become really ponsey since she started working again. She wears a hoody when she visits the flat and puts a newspaper down when she sits on the sofa.

MARGO – I seem to remember you being as soft as a marsh mellow before you came to Peckham.

RAQUEL – Yes Margo, and then I met a Trotter.

Scene 4 – Trotters Flat, Living room, Night

Del is sitting at the table, eating a pie and reading the paper.

DEL – Huh, psychic wanted, you know where to apply.

Margo and Raquel enter the flat with shopping bags.

RAQUEL – Oh alright Del, have you eaten?

DEL – No, I’m wasting away.

RAQUEL – Very funny.

MARGO – How do you not stop laughing at him?

DEL – She can come again, what is all this?

RAQUEL – Clothes, you know, things that cover you up, keep you warm, and prevent you from turning into a nudist.

DEL – How did you pay for them?

RAQUEL – We didn’t.

DEL – Margo, have you been leading my lovely wife…..

RAQUEL – …Significant other!

Raquel smirks at Del.

DEL – So I can expect a knock at the door any minute now. You’ll be known as the Peckham pixies if you’re not careful.

RAQUEL – Don’t be stupid, I’m not a Trotter by name or nature, Margo’s sister has just bought New Look in Town. She let us have this on a family discount.

DEL – Do they do men’s wear?

MARGO – Sorry, I could persuade my brother to buy next.

Del’s attention turns to Margo.

DEL – Sounds like your family do alright for themselves, what exactly is it that they do?

RAQUEL – Derek, a word in the kitchen please.

DEL – Of course dear! Me and Rodney used to call it the office, those were the days, usually when there was a tasty bird sitting in the living room.

MARGO – Glad I’m bringing back some memories for you Del.

Del laughs.

Scene 5 – Trotters Flat, Kitchen

Del and Raquel enter, and Raquel slams the door.

DEL – Something the matter sweetheart?

RAQUEL – Margo has been here for three days, and not ONCE have you shown any interest in her, other than her bra size, and DON’T think I didn’t notice you perving over her.

Del tries to interrupt, But Raquel goes on.

RAQUEL – And now you know about her wealthy family, all attention is to Margo.

DEL – You’re jealous, I get it, there’s no need to be my little rosebud. She’s attractive, slim, modern, good personality and a great sense of humour. But I’ve only got eyes for you… and Yasmine Bleeth.

RAQUEL – She’s a friend, and I’d like to keep her as a friend, which won’t happen if you make her a business offer.

DEL – Can i just interrupt you for a minute? I’ve got no intentions of getting involved with Margo’s rich family, Just how rich are we?… No, No, it’s alright, I don’t need to know.

Del sheepishly exits the kitchen.

Scene 6 – Rodney and Cassandra’s Flat, Living room, Night

Rodney enters, and is shocked to see that the flat has been cleaned from top to bottom.

CASSANDRA – (in the kitchen) – Rodney, is that you?

RODNEY – Cass?

Scene 7 – Rodney and Cassandra’s Flat, Kitchen

Cassandra, dressed in PJs, is cooking, and Joanie is sitting at the table with a colouring book. Rodney enters.

RODNEY – OK, I’m a little freaked out -  (panicked) – Your mothers not here is she?

CASSANDRA – No, I had a word with Mr Lutterbee, and he agreed to reduce my hours.

RODNEY – Why?

CASSANDRA – So I can spend time with my wonderful daughter and my lovely husband.

RODNEY – Who are you and what have you done with my wife or have I slipped into a parallel universe?

CASSANDRA – Roddy!

Rodney laughs and joins his daughter at the table.

RODNEY – Well, no offence but you’re not very……

CASSANDRA -  …….Maternal, motherly, I’ve already had the full SP from Raquel.

RODNEY – I knew it, anything weird always reverts back to Nelson Mandela bloody House. The council should seal it off. When they do, Earth will advance by 30 years. C’mon then, what’s she been saying?

CASSANDRA – She said I’m not a Nora Batty.

RODNEY – And that’s an insult to ya? Who dya want to be, Hilda Ogden? Oh no, I’ll have her in my head from this moment on when we’re… in the bedroom.

CASSANDRA – No, she means I’m not a mother, I’m a career women, a ruthless  businesswomen that you get on films… and EastEnders.

RODNEY – C’mon, she was probably joking, your maternal, look at what we went through to be parents? If that’s not maternal then I don’t know what is. Then again, I wouldn’t mind if you turned into Charlie Brooks for a bit.

CASSANDRA – Well, now that we’ve got a little bundle of joy, I’m going to make every day count.

Cassandra lifts Joanie out of her high chair and exits the kitchen.

RODNEY – (to himself) – Rodney Trotter, this is your wife.

Scene 8 – The Trotters Flat, Morning, Living room

Rodney is walking up and down, complaining to a half-awake Del, who is slumped in a chair at the table.

RODNEY – She made the breakfast, took Joanie to school, made a big steak meal for me and her parents, and throughout all that, she got herself ready for work, she’s not wonder women.

Del is falling asleep, until Rodney throws a book onto the table, making a big bang.

DEL – (shouting) – What you doing you soppy little….?

RODNEY – Is my presence keeping you from your bed?

DEL – its 9:30am, can’t you go round Triggers and complain about your marriage. It’s my day off.

RODNEY – Who too? Trigs too busy building his train set isn’t he, he’s been at it for four months.

DEL – He lost most of the bits.

RODNEY – Doesn’t surprise me, he bought it off you, and you bought it at a car boot sale.

DEL – OI!

Margo exits the kitchen, wearing a towel, leaving Rodney mesmerised.

DEL – Margo, this is my dopey brother Rodney, you have heard me speak of him, loudly.

MARGO – Someone could trip up on that tongue Rodney.

RODNEY – Huh?

Margo enters her bedroom (Albert’s old room)

DEL – Put your eyes back in, she’s Raquel’s mate. She’d eat a little plonker like you for breakfast.

RODNEY – And she’s living here?

DEL – Yeah, great innit?

RODNEY – Well, if the council finally decide to cut this estate off the map, Margo can come and live with me and Cass.

DEL – So, what’s the topic again?

RODNEY – Cassandra.

DEL – Oh groovy, get us a pain killer will ya?

RODNEY grabs a bottle of pills from the coffee table beside the sofa.

RODNEY – These are sleeping tablets.

DEL – They’ll do. Carry on.

DEL takes a load of sleeping tablets as Raquel enters.

RODNEY – Oh thanks Raquel, I heard you had a little chat with Cassandra.

RAQUEL/DEL – What?

RODNEY – Saying she’s not a Nora Batty stereotype, she’s a changed women overnight.

RAQUEL – Oh that, I didn’t mean to offend her; I was just speaking my mind.

RODNEY – Well your free speech has turned my wife into a Marge Simpson.

DEL – I can’t wait to see her hair?

RODNEY – What?

DEL – Oh sorry, I thought you meant the Marge Simpson hair, that would look great on Cassandra, might scare Joan a bit.

RAQUEL – I don’t see what the problem is, Cassandra gets to spend a lot of time with her daughter, and you don’t have to do everything that a mother and father should do together.

DEL – Yeah, I have to agree with Raquel on this one.

Raquel enters the kitchen.

DEL – I know what this is, you don’t want Cassandra doing all the things you do for Joanie, she won’t forget you overnight you know, how’s a child supposed to forget a face like that?

Rodney looks insulted.

RODNEY – Alright, alright, maybe you’re right, maybe I do smother Joanie sometimes, maybe because I never got to spend any time with the original.

The brother’s exchange faces of sadness.

DEL – She’s always there you know.

RODNEY – Oh yeah, got a knocked off resurrection casket in the garage have ya?

DEL – No, she’s always down at the cemetery, ready to listen to her two boys, and her two grandchildren.

RODNEY – Yeah, your right, I’m just being stupid about it aren’t I… I’ll take Joanie to see her grave I think.

DEL – You might find it in a bit of a state.

RODNEY – Damien and his crew been vandalising it again with their code name.

DEL – It’s not vandalism, he’s putting his mark on his grandmother’s legacy.

RODNEY – I never knew mum was so interested in heavy metal.

As he continues talking, Margo re-enters, dressed in a short skirt, leaving Del’s eyes fixated on her.

RODNEY – …….And anyway, we can do things as a family, like go to the zoo, or swimming. What do you think?

Del’s eyes are on Margo; Rodney tries to get his attention.

DEL – Yeah, I think your suit is nice Rodney.

Rodney sighs.

Scene 9 – The Cafe, Afternoon

Cassandra enters, pushing Joanie in her pram. Raquel and Margo are getting served.

MARGO – Oh watch out, here’s mother Teresa.

RAQUEL – Hey, be nice.

MARGO – Me! You’re the one who was being off with her yesterday.

CASSANDRA – Ladies, lovely day isn’t it.

It is raining outside.

CASSANDRA – Well it was.

MARGO – I love babies, how old is she?

CASSANDRA – 6.

MARGO – 6?

CASSANDRA – We get that a lot, she looks very young for her age.

JOANIE – Can I have a biscuit nice lady?

MARGO – Of course you can sweetheart.

JOANIE takes the biscuit and begins eating it.

JOANIE – Lovely Gubbly.

Margo and Raquel laugh.

RAQUEL – I wonder where she gets that from.

CASSANDRA – (quietly) – Hope not.

RAQUEL – What are you having?

CASSANDRA – No it’s alright, I’ll get these, you save your cash; I mean Damien’s college funds can’t be cheap, not in Manchester anyway.

RAQUEL – No, Del’s doing alright on the market.

CASSANDRA – Really?

RAQUEL – Yep, we won’t be coming to your bank for a loan…

CASSANDRA – …Again! We had to employ a replacement for the security guard the last time Del popped in, whilst the old one was in hospital with a broken toe.

Scene 10 – Rodney and Cassandra’s Flat, Night, Living room

Rodney is sitting on the sofa, reading a magazine; Cassandra can be heard reading a bedtime story to Joan in Joan’s bedroom.

CASSANDRA - (voice) – Dora flew around the colourful garden, chanting “up, up and away”

There is a knock at the door.

RODNEY - Cass, door.

CASSANDRA - (voice) – Can’t you get it, I’m reading Joan a bedtime story.

RODNEY – No, I just thought as your pretending to be a typical housewife, I’ll pretend to be a typical house master. You know, slobbing in front of the TV, watching the sport.

It is revealed that Rodney is watching Pokémon.

RODNEY – Drinking beer…

RODNEY takes glass of orange squash with a straw.

RODNEY – …and complaining about the world’s economies – (deep voice) – God, bring back hanging that’s what I say. S Club 7 should be put in front of a firing squad.

RODNEY opens the front door, it’s Alan.

RODNEY – Alright Alan, what are you doing round these parts?

ALAN – I came to collect the paperwork on the Lancashire job, make sure it’s all above board.

RODNEY – It is, don’t worry. I’m not some kind of idiot who sent the paperwork off to the wrong company am I?

ALAN and RODNEY sit in the living room.

ALAN – Where’s Cassandra?

RODNEY - In the bedroom, reading Joan a bedtime story.

ALAN - What is it this week? Round and round the bank, like a steady cheque.

Rodney laughs.

RODNEY - No, haven’t you heard, your daughters turned into Carol Jackson.

ALAN - How’s Del these days?

RODNEY - Yeah he’s alright, you should pop round.

ALAN - Nah I can’t, Pam gives me brownie points for every day I don’t see Del.

RODNEY - Scared you’ll fall of the jellied eel wagon is she?

ALAN - Yeah, even though she’s down at the Nags Head as we speak with Doris the Deviant and her crowd of lusty lasses. I was talking to trig the other day.

RODNEY  - Short conversation?

ALAN  - He was telling me about his train set and how he had managed to make a tractor out of the parts.

RODNEY - Blown all them rumours to bits, at least he’s got one talent that doesn’t come equipped with a sweeping brush.

Cassandra runs out of the bedroom, carrying Joan in her arms like an aeroplane, they re-enter the bedroom.

ALAN  - Who was that?

RODNEY - Exactly, I’m left longing for the return of my wife.

ALAN  - Trouble Rodney?

RODNEY - Cassandra has become all motherly, if it goes on, she’s going to lose her job, I feel like a spare part.

ALAN  - You know, you could bring the old Cassandra back.

RODNEY - How?

ALAN  - Create a disaster.

RODNEY - A disaster?

ALAN  - At the bank, Cassandra loves her job, and if a disaster occurs there, she won’t just leave it will she, she’ll go and sort it out, reverting back to her old self.

RODNEY - Makes me think though, who does she love more, the Bank or her daughter?

ALAN  - Rodney, how can you say that?

RODNEY - I know, I’m sorry.

ALAN  - No I mean how can you badmouth your wife without ten bottles of larger down ya? If Pam catches me, I’m on the naughty step for two weeks.

RODNEY - Your right you know Alan, that’s a good idea, I’ll do that, yeah, nice one.

ALAN – I think that earns me a couple of glasses of scotch.

RODNEY - Sure you don’t want to turn you phone off first, Pam’s probably got it micro chipped.

Scene 11 – The Bank, Gilmore’s office, day

Rodney and Mr Gilmore are sat at the desk.

MR GILMORE - So let me get this straight, you want me to start a fire at my bank, that may endanger the lives of my staff.

RODNEY - No, when you put it like that, it sounds insane.

MR GILMORE - Beyond insane Mr Trotter!

RODNEY - I don’t mean burn the bloody bank down, just create a fake disaster. God what do you think this is, Casualty?

MR GILMORE - What for?

RODNEY - So that Cassandra will come back to work, I mean, come on, she’s one of your highest achievers. She brings a lot of business to this bank doesn’t she?

MR GILMORE - I have to admit that is true. But what will the disaster be?

RODNEY - I don’t know, just don’t go over the top. Don’t dial 999 and have the SAS converging on the joint. Save that stuff for your dreams… and Rockstar gaming.

MR GILMORE - I know, I’m not stupid, I’m a bank manager.

RODNEY - Yeah, you’ve even got a pen with your name on haven’t ya?

MR GILMORE - Sarcasm can be very tiring.

Scene 12 – The Trotters flat, day

Margo is sitting on the sofa reading a magazine, the television is on. Del enters, and puts a big box on the table.

MARGO – What’s in that?

DEL – Olympics T-Shirts, Monkey Harris’s cousin’s boyfriend’s brother works for the BBC, and he managed to swipe a box for me.

MARGO - The Olympics isn’t for another six months yet.

DEL – Best to get in early, come April 2012, the market will be flooded with Olympics gear, I have to make a sale whilst I can.

Del goes behind his bar.

DEL – Oh not bloomin “How clean is your house”? I thought I got rid of all that daytime rubbish when Rodney and Cassandra moved out. Rodney was a demon for a bit of Kim and Aggie.

MARGO - Don’t worry, I’ll be gone soon, and then you and Raquel can have your love nest back.

DEL- Not much of a love nest anymore.

Del sits on the sofa with a whisky.

MARGO - She mentioned things between you two haven’t been the same since Damien left.

DEL – Nah, you know a couple of years ago, you couldn’t move in this flat, Rodney, Cassandra, Uncle Albert and Damien, they were all here, those were the days eh.

MARGO - Things don’t last forever Del. People move on or fall off the mortal curb.

DEL – You sound like Richard Hawking.

MARGO - My mum had a crush on him.

DEL – Your mum had a crush on Richard Hawking, she’s not living with Mr Bean is she up in Spain.

Margo laughs. Raquel enters, but stops at the door.

MARGO - You should take her out for a meal.

DEL – Who you’re mum?

MARGO - Raquel ya div!

DEL – Oh yeah, take her out for dinner, I’m not your brother, I don’t earn enough to take her for a slap up night up west.

MARGO - There’s a restaurant on the High Street.

DEL – Not anymore, it was firebombed by a couple of 12-year-old last week; this area is going to the Dogs. I remember when career criminals set fire to buildings, not kids who go home and snuggle up to their mum afterwards.

MARGO - Anyway, you and Raquel need to sort things out, you can’t count on Rodney and Cassandra to be around all the time.

DEL – I know, we’ve just drifted apart in recent months, what with other things going on in the family.

MARGO - Excuses, excuses.

DELl – No, Rodney went back to work for Alan and Raquel’s dad passed on didn’t he?

MARGO - Take my advice, if you want to make your relationship work, you’ll put the effort in.

DEL – the voice of experience?

MARGO – I’ve had more husbands than Pat Butcher, what do you think?

Raquel slams the door and enters the living room, having heard it all.

RAQUEL – Hi love.

DEL – Alright sweetheart, want a cup of tea?

RAQUEL- Nah, I’ve just been down the cafe with Jean.

DEL – Oh yeah, the things we do for our elders.

Raquel laughs.

RAQUEL - Are you going down the Nags Head later?

DEL – Might be, dya fancy going out somewhere?

RAQUEL – Nah, the Nag’s Heads fine isn’t it, do you fancy coming Margo?

Margo and Del look across to each other.

MARGO - Nah, I’ve got to see my brother before I go away.

RAQUEL – Oh, are you leaving?

MARGO – Yeah, I might call in on my niece in the East End.

DEL – She’s got the life of riley hasn’t she Raquel?

Raquel fakes a smile, and Del downs a whisky.

Scene 13 – Rodney and Cassandra’s flat, living room

Cass is playing with Joanie on the sofa, Rodney enters.

RODNEY - Oh god. Next stop Balamory.

CASSANDRA - Hi love, sit down; I’ll make ya a cup of coffee.

RODNEY - I hate coffee; remember when I almost died after drinking a cup of it.

CASSANDRA - That wasn’t coffee, it was gardening seeds.

Rodney sits down.

CASSANDRA - I’m thinking of taking Joanie to Disneyland.

RODNEY - WHAT?

CASSANDRA - Is something the matter?

RODNEY – Yeah there is something the matter with me.

CASSANDRA - What is it then?

RODNEY – You’re giving up your whole career because of what Raquel said, Joanie doesn’t need all that spoiling. She’ll grow up and end up hating us. Spoilt child’s always do. I knew a kid who made a dartboard with his parent’s faces painted onto it.

CASSANDRA - Parental guidance ala Rodney Trotter!

RODNEY – What’s that supposed to mean? Spoilt to me meant a round of toast in the morning, burnt to a crisp with my granddad an ‘all!

CASSANDRA - Did you grow up in the 1950s?

RODNEY – I’m just saying, if you continue to spoil her, she’ll end up turning on you with a knife right in the middle of Countdown.

CASSANDRA - I don’t watch Countdown.

RODNEY - It’s a figure of speech, like films on Crimewatch, old men getting beaten up whilst watching the National Lottery, and nine times out of ten, they’re numbers come up.

CASSANDRA - You don’t watch Crimewatch either, it gives you nightmares.

RODNEY – Well excuse me for being afraid of twelve year olds with guns, you can’t step outside your door these days without getting your living room window egged.

CASSANDRA - That’s not ASBO kids. That’s you and Del conning the residents of Peckham with tomatoes from two decades ago.

RODNEY – Take what I’ve said on-board.

CASSANDRA - I will, I just don’t want to miss out on anything in our daughters life.

RODNEY – But what about the bank?

CASSANDRA - What about it? You’ve been mithering me for years to stop thinking solely on the bank, you’re like a ferret nipping at my head all day long.

RODNEY - Ferrets are soft and furriery.

CASSANDRA - Well you don’t shave your body, it’s like sleeping with a wolf.

RODNEY – Are you finished? Good.

Rodney enters the kitchen, leaving Cassandra laughing. There is a knock at the door. Rodney pops his head through the kitchen door, smiling.

RODNEY – I wonder who that could be. Cassandra – The Tomatoes Tribe!

Rodney opens the door, its Mr Gilmore, who is running around the hallway.

MR GILMORE - BIG DIASTER, I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO, PLEASE HELP ME, BIG TROUBLE…

RODNEY – Shut up you idiot, what are you doing?

MR GILMORE - I’m doing what you told me to do. I’ve always fancied a bit of acting, I stopped off at the theatre to watch a bit of Blood Brothers to get a bit of know-all.

RODNEY - It won’t take much dedication. I didn’t tell you to impersonate a character from the Bill. I told you to create a disaster, and possibly burn your entire lifework down.

Rodney drags Mr Gilmore inside.

CASSANDRA - Oh hello Mr Gilmore.

MR GILMORE - Oh, it’s The Chase, I love the Chase; the wife has banned it in our house. One incident at a Coronation Street convention had her searching the yellow pages for a hitman for Bradley Walsh.

Rodney hits Mr Gilmore on the head with a newspaper.

MR GILMORE - Oh, Cassandra, There’s a big disaster at the bank, we need you back.

Mr Gilmore continues to watch the TV.

CASSANDRA - What kind of disaster?

MR GILMORE - Er…. Mr Lutterbee has been murdered.

Mr Gilmore’s attentions are solely to the TV.

CASSANDRA - WHAT?

Rodney looks panicked, as Mr Gilmore continues to watch the TV.

CASSANDRA - What happened?

MR GILMORE - A bird on the desk revealed he had slept with her, his wife came in, bang, bang, bang, there was some sad music and then some paramedics covered him up with some curtains.

RODNEY - Bloody….

CASSANDRA - I must get down there straight away, he’s our biggest customers, if he’s dead, we’re all screwed, plus he’s a friend, his grandson painted our nursery.

RODNEY – Del painted our nursery.

CASSANDRA - And I had to pay an extra £200 to put right Del’s handy work. Sorry Roddy, I’ve got to go.

Cassandra kisses Joan on the head and makes a swift exit.

MR GILMORE - YES, HE’S ON £10,000.

RODNEY - Gilmore, are you a complete idiot?

MR GILMORE - No, I run a bank.

RODNEY - You’ve just told Cassandra that your biggest client is in the morgue.

MR GILMORE - I never said the morgue, all I said was that he had been playing away with a clerk.

RODNEY - When you’re finished, you can close the door on your way out.

MR GILMORE - You’re joking, it’s two episodes of “In It to Win It” back-to-back in half hour. I’m drawn to quiz shows like moss to a flame.

Mr Gilmore jumps on the sofa.

RODNEY - Would you like a beer sir?

MR GILMORE - That’d be lovely, can you ring my wife and tell her I’ve gone away for a fortnight.

RODNEY - Well I don’t see why not, you’re gonna have to disappear when your bosses find out about your armature dramatics.

MR GILMORE – You’ve got Sky HD. I’ve hit the jackpot.

The End

The post Mother Cassandra appeared first on Only Fools and Horses.

More unseen Only Fools and Horses footage found on you tube!
Ronnie English has given us the heads up on this newly discovered gem from the archives.

Take a look at this little sketch of Del, Rodney and Albert.
Ronnie tells us “It’s the first time I have ever seen it. It stars the Trotters taking part in a Radio Times advert from 1988. This is some long lost unseen Only Fools and Horses footage as far as I know”.

Thanks Ronnie its great to see its preserved for the fans.

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Have you seen this one Del in Memphis. Another Ripoff master piece landed in our inbox today. So if you like these take a look at are archive below with our amazing Only Fools and Rip-offs   Today another one and I have to say – one of my favorite Only Fools and Rip-offs to date from Casablanca. Play it again, Del! Have you seen these other great rip -offs from Tim

• Rodney Balboa
• Albert Einstein
• Albertini
• Rodnaldo
• Del Boy Piero
• Arnold Swarzetrigger
• Deli G
• David Peckham
• Some Like it Cushty
• Victoria and Albert
• The Grandfather
• Harry Trotter
• Del and Mandella

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You may remember Dave Saville. He is a Only Fools and Horses fan and a  film maker from Bristol the location of many OFAH episodes. Dave is currently filming all the possible locations of  our favorite sitcom. He recently had the pleasure of interviewing John Challis. Below is a short teaser.

Only Fools and Film Maker Dave Saville, promises us  he will upload the full interview soon.

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Good news as it appears Series 4 of the Green Green Grass will now be released on December 23rd 2013 So make sure you get your copy now.

With 240 minutes of John Sullivan humor it is a definite on my list.

The reason The Green Green Grass – The complete series 4 was postponed from 17th September 2013, is because they are experiencing delays with regards to clearance on one episode.

I am led to believe the issue is now resolved.

Buy the series 4

or the complete boxset of Green Green Grass

The post Green Green Grass Series 4 Out now! appeared first on Only Fools and Horses.

Do you consider yourself an Only Fools and Horses expert? Love Productions are looking for outgoing, charismatic and knowledgeable Only Fools and Horses experts to test-run a brand new quiz show.

Anthony White from Love Productions tells us, “We are looking for someone that has written books/articles on OFAH, or has a huge collection of memorabilia or has another reason that they can authoritatively call themselves an ‘Only Fools and Horses’ expert.”

“In January we are having a non-broadcast run-through of the quiz, although the exact date is currently tbc.”

“We will pay travel expenses plus a fee.”

For more information or to get involved, please contact Anthony.White@loveproductions.co.uk providing a short summary of who you are (age and location), your phone number and a photograph before Wednesday 18th December.

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Yes the rumours are true. Only Fools and Horses is Back.
For some time we have been aware that all is Cushty and now we have the full details from his son Jim Sullivan.

The newspapers leaked it a few days back. It wasn’t a silly Nags Head rumor, but the very sitcom that we adore is going to be back again on our sets in a few months time.

So hear is the actual situation we can now reveal to you adoring fans.

Del Boy and Rodney will definitely return for a one-off Only Fools and Horses sketch for Sport Relief

So with the news that  Only Fools and Horses is Back, we want to get some detail on what to expect with this sketch for Sport Relief.

Will David Jason and Nicholas Lyndhurst play Del and Rodney?
Actors David Jason and Nicholas Lyndhurst will reprise their roles as Del and Rodney in a short sketch written by Jim Sullivan and Dan Sullivan which includes previously unused material written by their father John Sullivan OBE, who created and wrote every episode of the series.

Could John’s sons produce a script for a future series?
Jim Sullivan says: “Since Dad passed away back in April 2011. We have been asked a few times whether we’d be interested in writing any new material for Only Fools and we have always said no, our intention being to protect the work and not to attempt adding to it. However, Sport Relief being such a worthy cause, and with the opportunity to help raise a lot of money, we felt things were different this time, and we also knew that Dad would approve.”

How was the sketch for Sport Relief produced?
Jim Sullivan continues: “So we put together a sketch, incorporating some of Dad’s old notes – bits of dialogue for the show that he never found a place for – and, thankfully, the response was positive and everyone got behind it. Working on the sketch has been a lot of fun, but also quite daunting. The characters are so well loved, but we do feel we know and care for them enough to give them back their voices just this once.”

So is this really the last ever Only Fools and Horses episode?
Jim Sullivan continues: “We would like to make it clear that it is just this once, and that we are not, and never have been, looking to write any new episodes. There was only ever one writer of Only Fools and Horses, and it is going to stay that way.”

So there you have it. Count the days down to what will be the last episode ever, a sad and yet exciting time for the nation to see the last of John Sullivan’s legendary sitcom.

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It’s with sad news we are all ware that one of our most loved character Trigger and actor Roger Lloyd Pack  died aged 69.

He has suffered with some health issues recently its reported in the telegraph that his agent revealed he had pancreatic cancer. Our thoughts are with his family at this sad time.

Roger Lloyd Pack was a much loved actor who along with the blue suited Trigger also played Owen Newitt in the Vicar of Dibley.

Actor David Jason has led tributes for actor Roger Lloyd Pack – best known as Trigger in Only Fools And Horses.

Sir David, who played Del Boy told reporters of his “fondness” for his sitcom co-star and described him as a fine actor.

“I was very saddened to hear of Roger’s passing. He was a very quiet, kind and unassuming actor who was a pleasure to work with, Although he played the simple soul of Trigger in Only Fools And Horses, he was a very intelligent man and a very fine actor capable of many roles. I shall remember him with fondness and for all the good times we had together.”

Nicholas Lyndhurst, who played Only Fools character Rodney said:

 ”I’m so saddened to hear about Roger. He was the most accomplished actor and loved by millions, I will miss him greatly.”

Roger first came to the notice of the public with television performances which date back to 1965.

Trigger : Never forgotten

We will always remember the clasic moments Roger bought Only Fools and Horses fans, here are a few of  our favorites

Rodney – Why do you call me Dave, Trig’ – My name’s not Dave, Its Rodney
Trigger – Are you sure
Rodney – Yes, I’ve checked it on my birth certificate and everything, its definitely Rodney.
Trigger – So what’s Dave, a Nickname ‘like
Rodney – No – you’re the only person who calls me Dave, everybody else calls me Rodney – and the reason they call me Rodney, is because Rodney is my name.
Trigger – Well, I shall have to get used to calling Rodney from now on.
Rodney – Thank you
Trigger – How long are you going to be Baz, Me and Dave haven’t got all day.
Rodney – RODNEY!
Trigger – yeah yeah.

Or how about the Trigger broom discussion.

Or the time in Heroes and Villians where Del and Rodney burst into a party after the fancy dress was cancelled. The room is full of people, with black suits and ties – Del and Rodney are stood in Batman and Robin outfits as Trigger asks “Didn’t you know the fancy dress was cancelled” – Trigger then tells Del that he also didn’t know the fancy dress had been cancelled and he thought he stood out a bit in his suit and tie.

Trigger was one of the greatest sitcom characters ever made and will remain forever in the hearts of Only Fools and Horses fans!

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Matthew Wickenden recently contacted us with this article regarding his top 3 Only Fools and Horses characters which appear in one episode only. It makes a great read so enjoy his article below.

Top 3 OFAH characters to appear in one episode only (not including Rock and chips)

Character 1 – The Driscoll brothers (Roy Marsden and Christopher Ryan):

I know this is cheating slightly, but as they only appeared in one episode, they were formidable together. While being mentioned in numerous other episodes and always having that fear factor, they finally were introduced in the episode Little problems. The two brothers, Danny and Tony Driscoll have great chemistry on screen with some rather witty dialogue such as ‘look Tony we discussed this. I do the thinking, and you don’t’. While also being a funny and engaging duo, they also have an interesting and saddening back story, revealing characters of emotional depth, something which John Sullivan was so accomplished for. It’s also fascinating to see a different side of Del Boy and Boycie, two characters that never show fear or are pushed around, are suddenly terrified at the prospect of coming face to face with the Driscoll brothers, which shows a more intimate side to their characters.

The Driscoll Brothers in Green Green Grass

Character 2 –  Reenie Turpin (Joan Sims):

Reenie is Joan Trotter, Del boys mums, best friend and she gives an emotional and deep insight into Joan’s life in the frog’s legacy and reveals a major plot point of the series, the mystery of Rodney’s dad, who later turns out to be Freddie Robdal, which is revealed in the last episode ‘sleepless in Peckham’. Reenie was very close to Joan and also looked after Del and Rodney and it would have been fascinating to have seen more of her, as in some ways, she was a mother figure to Del and Rodney, and the last link for Del and Rodney to their mother except Grandad. A charming and bubbly character, she lit up the screen and was compatible with Del and the chemistry was axiomatic. A fantastically written character that is used to further the story, and could have been used again.

Character 3 – Corrine (Denzil’s wife):

Little is known about Denzil’s wife, except that Denzil talks about her briefly in occasional episodes and she appears once in the episode ‘who’s a pretty boy then’. Played by Eva Mottley, she is a headstrong woman who despises Del Boy and the Trotter family for ruining their wedding ‘and what did we end up with? Pie and chips all round’. Corrine berates Denzil for trusting Del as she says ‘how can you trust this man? Whenever you meet him you end up drunk or out of pocket!’… ‘Yeah I know. But he’s a mate’. She has a soft side to her character and is an interesting insight into Denzil, who although an interesting character, could have been used more and Corrine could have been an effective look into Denzil’s character to learn more about him, his brothers and family, and in general why he’s a soft touch.

Thanks for taking the time to read this, and I look forward to hearing from you.

Matthew Wickenden.

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What an amazing tribute the Spurs fans gave to dear Roger Lloyd-Pack aka Trigger from Only Fools and Horses

The Spurs fans paid a spontaneous tribute to the actor who played Trigger during the Swansea City game.

The TV star played Trigger in the popular show and was a lifelong Spurs fan.

During the match today, fans were heard singing “stand up for Trigger, he is one of our own” and “he only had 1 broom”.

Supporters were referencing a classic scene from our favourite sitcom when Trigger claims he’s had his road sweeper’s broom for 20 years. It goes on to say it had 17 new heads and 14 new handles.

Video of Spurs fans paying tribute to Trigger : from Tony McAvoy at the game

the fans had this graffitied on side of train.

And of course if Trigger was to pick the team for the match we know how it may turn out…

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